Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.