If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.