Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
