I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
