she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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