dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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