in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
