I just made out with a guy for $7.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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