Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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