i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
