Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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