blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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