Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
