i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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