DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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