Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
