I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
