Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
