I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
