woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
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