no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
