i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
