if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If that was your dad, he is hot
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
