I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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