i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
