Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Vodka?
Forever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Two words: nipple clamps
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