Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
