fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
