if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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