i wish my penis had a tongue
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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