our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
