Farmville is her only friend.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
