sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
