apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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