it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
