Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
