saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
