Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
