A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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