I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
