Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
