My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
