Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
