You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
