Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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