It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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