I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
