we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
