Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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