Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
