Screwed.edu
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
