her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's the barista slut.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
