i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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