Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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