I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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