Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
