You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
