It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
