Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
