I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
