Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
